I remember the hostage situation at a Russian school in 2004. Devastating. Three agonizing days, followed by hundreds of deaths. Just under 200 children died in the massacre. I was derailed. It was difficult for me to function for weeks after it happened. I kept imagining the faces of those precious children, lost, for no reason. They had their whole lives ahead of them.
My foundation crumbled. My prayers had been earnest as I begged for deliverance for those lives. The whole world had been praying, had they not? Millions of people united in prayer, and still evil won. Where was God? What was the use in prayer if this is how it played out? Innocent lives lost…and no miracle intervened to save them.
I had miscarried months before. An unplanned, protected-against pregnancy, and I was sure that meant it was God’s will. I did everything an expectant mother should do to nurture her unborn child, and yet, somehow, there was no heartbeat where once one had been.
There are things that make sense, though they are incredibly painful. My father’s death was a release from pain for him. It was a loss for all of us who loved him, but an assurance that he suffered no more. Sometimes a blessing even comes out of the death of someone in their prime. We can find beauty in heroics or a legacy left behind.
But children…who among us isn’t heartbroken over the Sandy Hook tragedy? It took me back to Russia, and then back to my miscarriage. I have little to offer, only the thing that got me through in the past. And my hope is it resonates with someone and helps them sleep tonight.
It’s simply this: My Higher Power promised nothing to me except his presence. I believe God mourns with us over the pain we as humans experience. I believe God was with those children and adults at Sandy Hook and in Russia as they took their last breaths. I believe God earnestly wants to comfort the families of those lost as well as the children and adults who witnessed unspeakable horrors.
And I believe, somehow, prayers matter. I’ve prayed for everyone from the families of the victims to the survivors to the law enforcement personnel who had to process the scene to the medical examiners who must do their jobs regardless of the tragedies in front of them. I will continue to pray that God, as each of us understands him, will be present to comfort and abide with us in our deepest sorrows. I will trust that joy awaits all of us…and that God will be present there as well. And that presence is enough for me.